Motherless Daughters

I still can't believe that it has been 5 years since my mother left this earth. It always seems to come up faster and faster each year. Some people have asked me if I am learning to be okay with the fact that my mother is gone. My answer: No. I don't think I will ever be "okay" with the loss of my mother. If I had the power I would bring her back right now. I need her for so many things and I will continue to need her everyday of my life. Have I learned to live with the fact that I can't just call her up or go and see her? Yes. I have learned how to manage and to look to other people for the things that I need. Has Heavenly Father blessed me? More than words can express. I don't consider losing my mother a blessing but I would be a fool not to acknowledge that I have been blessed immensely with the tender mercies that the Lord saw fit to give me. He continues to bless me in those moments where I need my mother desperately and when I feel alone and abandoned. I also anxiously await the day when I am reunited with her again after this life when all of the pain and heart ache will be rewarded.

I was given a book to read called Motherless Daughters shortly after my mother's death. At first I was skeptical about reading it but my experience resonated with so many of the ideas that were written about. It helped to put my feelings into perspective and really just give them a "safe" spot to be while I sorted through everything. Mostly I think that it just gave me back some of the "control" in my life that I had felt like I had lost. As the years passed I felt like I was figuring out life without a mom and starting to get back in to the flow of things. Then this past April I became a mother and everything changed again.

I am now a motherless mother and I feel like I've lost some of that control again. I know how to be a motherless daughter but I haven't figured out how to be a motherless mother. Now, I realize that there is more to me than these two parts. I am a teacher, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a daughter of God, etc. and those things are mostly figured out. Yet, now I have discovered a part of me that still needs some figuring out. So many feelings are arising that I have never felt or even thought of before. I find myself literally picking up the phone and trying to call my mom but quickly realize that's not going to happen. I am changing and learning so many things each day but at times I feel like I have no reference to check with. The other day we were trying to figure out when I walked, got my first tooth, said my first word, etc. Per no fault of my dad, when I asked about these things the answers weren't all there. Then when we asked about Adam's childhood his mom was there to answer. I found myself wanting to know more about my childhood but without my mom there are gaps and holes. A new kind of hurt surfaced and I had to figure out how to deal with it. I hope this post doesn't seem so dull and gloomy. It is just a part of some of the harder things I'm experiencing right now. I know that there is a sequel to the book I mentioned earlier that talks to motherless mothers so I think I will have to go and check it out. Again, I have been extremely blessed throughout this whole experience and I know that the Lord will provide the tender mercies that I will need in the future. I am so grateful for my testimony of the gospel and for the understanding I have about the plan of happiness. It makes things easier to sift through and puts a smile on my face:) If you still have your mom here, give her a call, tell her you love her and look for ways to appreciate her in your life.... that is one thing that I would give all the gold in the world to be able to do again.